I'm trying really hard to believe these words right now. I feel like I have so many dreams, so many hopes for the future and I'm just waiting to get better so my life can restart.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around doing nothing. I'm doing my best and I do believe my best is good enough.
I just want to be able to do more.
Lately I've been feeling impatient. Like God made a waste of me by giving me this. On the days I'm feeling really blue, I think to myself, “God, why!? Why did you do this to me?? I could’ve been so great! I could’ve been successful. I could’ve had my master’s degree by now. I was such a hard worker, smart even! Why did you make me this way to just waste all that ambition on a cripple?”
I didn’t realize how angry I was. I know the real answer in my head. He probably gave me this because he knew that otherwise, I would’ve never slowed down long enough to appreciate the little things. Or maybe he wanted to get my attention and knew that my path would never come here if he didn’t give me a nice big obstacle.
Honestly, I can deal with the fact that God gave me Rheumatoid Arthritis. What I’m having trouble with is why can’t I have one successful treatment? Please, God!! I’ve had 5 failed treatments and I'm not sure I can deal with one more. I want to move on with my life! I want to get over this chapter of looking for a treatment that works on me. I want to be able to say, “XYZ works for me and look at all the things I can do in spite of Arthritis.”
I think sometimes you feel happy and you’re dealing with all these things and then it’s like a pin drops on top of you and you break down because it finally gets to be too much. You think to yourself, “I can handle this [enduring the constant pain], I can handle that [the nausea and other side effects].” But then you start loosing the ability to do something you love and it’s overwhelming.
Having this for 18 years has been a roller coaster. I always say, it's like going through the 5 stages of grief over and over again, but I have to keep hoping.
Believing that everything will be alright.
Maybe not today but eventually.