Tuesday, September 22, 2015

#RAgingFatigue

The people who know me best know that I’m like a raging bull. 
Once I make a decision about something, there’s no going back. 
----This is what my mom says. Hi, mom! 

So, when my Rheumatoid Arthritis came back with a vengeance at age 17, you can only imagine how that stubborn personality translated into a quest for a normal life despite RA. ;)

But this time, it wasn’t the same RA as my childhood. It was worse. Much worse.
This "newer-stronger" RA wasn't something I could mentally overpower or even something that was responding treatment
No matter how hard I pushed myself, no matter how hard I tried, I just could not keep up with my classmates. I was studying Architecture and it was just impossible to wrap my fiercly swollen fingers around a pencil, let alone draw a floor plan for 7 hours.

And that wasn't all. 

I had fatigue. Besides the swelling that makes closing my fist impossible, and the stiffness that won't allow me to sit for more than an hour, and the excruciating pain, I. WAS. EXHAUSTED. 

It's like having the flu, but worse. I once explained it to someone like this:

"It feels like gravity changed overnight and I feel so heavy and weak I can't get up."

And you wanna know what the crazy part is? Even after 19 years of having RA and 7 years of my "RA vengeance" (the more severe version of my RA), I still feel it. 
I still feel the fatigue. I still struggle to get out of bed, to put on make-up, to go to school (different major ;), to travel, etc. I still struggle to do everything.

BUT my stubborn personality won't let me give up, and I just take 1-3 shots of espresso to get me through the day, and rest up a ton the next day. 
Because that makes me happy. 

Please excuse my yawns. ;)